Thursday, 28 November 2013

Football news, match reports and fixtures | theguardian.com

07:14

Football news, match reports and fixtures | theguardian.com


Juventus 3-1 FC Copenhagen | Champions League match report

Posted: 27 Nov 2013 02:41 PM PST

• Juventus 3-1 FC Copenhagen

Arturo Vidal's hat-trick boosted Juventus' hopes of reaching the last 16 of the Champions League in a 3-1 victory over FC Copenhagen.

The Chilean midfielder struck with two penalties in the 29th and 60th minutes and added a brilliant looping header to put Antonio Conte's side into second place in Group B on six points, seven behind the leaders Real Madrid but two ahead of Galatasaray and FC Copenhagen.

Olof Mellberg equalised for the Danish champions in the 56th minute with a smart volleyed finish after a long throw caused confusion in the hosts' defence.

Juventus now need only a draw in Istanbul in the final round of group games to qualify for the knockout phase despite coming into Wednesday's game with only three points from their four previous matches.

They were stodgy in the first half but were given a helping hand by the Copenhagen full-back Lars Jacobsen, who under pressure from Paul Pogba almost caught a lofted pass in his own area and was penalised for handball. Vidal struck the penalty into Johan Wiland's right-hand corner.

Mellberg shocked the home side with his equaliser but the Swedish defender soon turned villain, clumsily bringing down Fernando Llorente in the area to give Vidal his second from the spot.

Vidal then completed his hat-trick, meeting Pogba's clipped cross and guiding a header back across the goal and off the underside of the bar to seal a huge win.

Juve face Galatasaray on 10 December with the runners-up spot in Group B the prize for both teams. Copenhagen host Real Madrid but cannot progress even if they beat the Spanish club as they have inferior head-to-head records against Juventus and Galatasaray.


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Mesut Özil has made good progress at Arsenal, says Per Mertesacker

Posted: 27 Nov 2013 02:30 PM PST

Germany's captain endured a difficult first season himself but he says murmurings that his countryman is faltering are misplaced

If a single player embodies the shift in perceptions, momentum and general altered gravity at Arsenal it is surely Per Mertesacker. Around the time Arsenal were losing three times in four matches in the spring – defeats in the FA Cup, Champions League and to Tottenham in the Premier League that threatened to garrotte their season – Mertesacker was being linked with a move after a difficult start to his career in England.

Eight months later, Arsenal have lost only four times since and Mertesacker has again been linked with a move – this time to the European Champions Bayern Munich – while Arsenal have already begun to talk about a protective contract extension.

It is a transformation that lends some extra weight to Mertesacker's words in support of Mesut Özil after Tuesday night's Champions League victory against the half-speed makeweights of Marseille. Özil had a mixed night, missing a penalty, creating a goal for Jack Wilshere and failing to dispel a wider impression that after a bravura start his levels have dipped very slightly.

"He's made good progress, I think," Mertesacker said, praising in particular Özil's ability to drive the way Arsenal move out of defence. "He is in good form, you can see especially [against Marseille] he was always a threat and he never gave up, despite the penalty miss. We are very delighted with him. In the transitions from defence to offence he is always a threat – you can play the ball he's the one who goes deep all the time."

There have been some peripheral murmurings about Özil's goal return to date – he has scored in only one Premier League match, the 4-1 win at Norwich – but Mertesacker is unconcerned. "He gets himself into good positions so the goals will come, for sure. He can look like his head is going down, but we don't care, we just go on and what he did then especially with the second goal, when he got in that position to cross the ball for Jack [Wilshere], he's always a threat."

With regards to his own position, Mertesacker confirmed there has been a little feeling out over the possibility of a new contract. After a difficult start in 2011, Germany's captain has become a genuine leader in a team that for a while seemed to lack a sense of galvanising muscle.

"I missed completely the pre-season [in 2011] so it was really hard to come in. The window shut and I had to work straight away so it took me a while to respond to that level, but the manager always stuck with me and said, yes, you are intelligent enough to cope with the problems.

"I'm very delighted here with the club. The first year was a very tough challenge for me but the club and boss always stuck with me in a very special way so I think it's a little reward that we talk. I've got one and a half years left so there's no rush. It seems to me that some guys are delighted with my performances. So I'm pleased with the situation."


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Anderlecht 2-3 Benfica | Champions League match report

Posted: 27 Nov 2013 02:28 PM PST

The substitute Rodrigo scored a 90th-minute winner as Benfica beat Anderlecht 3-2 in a Champions League thriller.

The Anderlecht defender Chancel Mbemba scored a goal and an own-goal as the Belgian champions' chances of qualifying for the last 16 ended.

The result means Anderlecht remain anchored to the bottom of Group C and Benfica went level on points with Olympiakos. They lost 2-1 at Paris Saint-Germain, who qualified top. Benfica host PSG in the final round next month.

Mbemba opened the scoring and then deflected a shot by Nicolás Gaitán into his own goal in the 52nd minute to give Benfica the lead after Nemjana Matic had equalised in the 34th. Massimo Bruno levelled again in the 77th minute when he turned and fired in a low shot. Rodrigo sealed the points for Benfica on a late break.


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Paris Saint-Germain 2-1 Olympiakos | Champions League match report

Posted: 27 Nov 2013 02:22 PM PST

A late Edinson Cavani helped ten-man Paris Saint-Germain beat Olympiakos 2-1 at home and qualify top of their Champions League Group on Wednesday.

The Uruguay striker scored from Adrien Rabiot's pass in the 90th minute to put PSG on 13 points from five games after Kostas Manolas had cancelled out Zlatan Ibrahimovic's early opener nine minutes from time.

PSG, who had Marco Verratti sent off one minute into the second half, lead second-placed Olympiakos by six points with one round remaining in Group C.

Benfica are third, also on seven points, after beating Anderlecht 3-2 away with the Belgian side, who have one point, eliminated from all European competition.

Although PSG struggled after Verratti picked up a second yellow card early in the second half, they extended their unbeaten run in all competitions to 35 games.

After looking shaky throughout last season Gregory van der Wiel has been brilliant this term and and here the Netherlands international set up Ibrahimovic for the fourth time in the Champions League, the Swede tapping in from a low cross in the seventh minute.

It was Ibrahimovic's eighth goal in the Champions League this season and his 39th from 100 appearances in the main tournament.

In the 81st minute, however, Manolas stabbed in from close range to make it 1-1 after Sirigu could only push away Dominguez's deflection into the path of the defender.

In the last minute Cavani beat Roberto across the keeper's body after collecting Rabio's perfectly weighted pass on the edge of the area.


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Shakhtar Donetsk 4-0 Real Sociedad | Champions League group A match report

Posted: 27 Nov 2013 02:06 PM PST

Shakhtar Donetsk boosted their chances of qualifying for the Champions League knockout stage as their Brazilian flair helped them outclass an eliminated Real Sociedad 4-0 in Group A.

The hosts moved up to second spot with eight points from five games, one point clear of Bayer Leverkusen heading into the final group game at the home of the leaders Manchester United, who qualified by battering the Germans 5-0 away.

The Brazilian striker Luiz Adriano latched on to an incisive pass from his compatriot Douglas Costa and flicked the ball into the net from a very sharp angle via the near post after 37 minutes.

Inigo Martínez squandered a clear chance for an equaliser by firing narrowly over the bar two minutes from half-time and things got even worse for the Sociedad midfielder after the break.

Shakhtar doubled their lead three minutes after the restart following a blunder by Martínez, whose clumsy clearance set up Alex Teixeira to rifle straight into the top corner.

Douglas Costa rifled a spectacular shot into the top corner from the edge of the area to make it 3-0 and ended the rout with a header three minutes from time.

The Ukrainian champions will top the group if they win at United on 10 December . 10xx


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Man City 4-2 Viktoria Plzen

Posted: 27 Nov 2013 02:03 PM PST

• Manchester City 4-2 Viktoria Plzen
Aguero 33, Nasri 65, Negredo 78; Horava 43, Tecl 69
The best images from the Etihad Stadium

Joe Hart made a blemish-free first appearance for a month and Manchester City can still win Group D, though this will be difficult given the final game is at the Champions League holders Bayern Munich.

Each of these headlines should please Manuel Pellegrini but City's slipshod defending and application is less palatable to a manager who demands consistently high performances.

Until Alvaro Negredo tapped home 12 minutes from time and Edin Dzeko's late header confirmed the win, Viktoria Plzen were heading for a first group pointwhich, given City's undoubted superior quality, was hardly desired.

Hart had been given the nod by Pellegrini in an XI containing only three A-listers - Fernandinho, Sergio Agüero and Samir Nasri – with the rest second-string players, a category into which the goalkeeper has fallen.

There was an early potential test of handling skills for Hart when the Plzen captain, Pavel Horvarth, swung in a free-kick from the right. But it went straight at the goalkeeper, who collected calmly. That was the sum of all the questions posed to Hart until the 24th minute, when another aerial delivery was taken smoothly.

From that effort Hart released Agüero with a quick, precise punt downfield, from which the striker might have given City the lead. Instead Firat Aydinus, the referee, wrongly whistled for an infringement on the edge of the visitor's penalty area. Agüero had put the ball into the net but it counted for nothing.

There was more for Hart to do shortly after and he should have had to pick the ball from his goal twice. He could do nothing when Frantisek Rajtoral was allowed to slip into the penalty area unchallenged before fashioning an effort that, if it had been either decisive or well directed, would have given Plzen the opener. Instead the ball rolled harmlessly wide of Hart's right post.

There was an even clearer chance for the visitors when Daniel Kolar left Joleon Lescott behind and squared the ball to Michal Duris but his glancing effort was misdirected.

Moments later at the other end Rajtoral was adjudged to have handled in the area and Aydinus pointed to the spot. Agüero, who stood on 15 strikes in 15 appearances this season, duly maintained his goal-a-game ratio, leaving Matus Kozacik no chance. That was 1-0 after 33 minutes and an eighth in his last seven European appearances to take him to 12 for the club in Europe.

Half-time was beckoning when Plzen shocked City and their support. There was scant resistance from the midfield as Tomas Horava took possession outside the area and beat Hart with a pile-driver to his right.

After a half of few chances a 1-1 scoreline at the break felt about right. Before Horava's equaliser the closest City had come to scoring, beyond Agüero's goal, arrived as a result of another of the champagne moments that Nasri has been consistently delivering this season.

The Frenchman collected the ball 35 yards out, advanced a step or two, and let fly a rocket that left Kozacik a spectator as the ball crashed back off the Plzen bar.

As Bayern Munich had beaten CSKA Moscow in the group's earlier kick-off, City knew the regulation win expected of them against the bottom side would keep alive their faint hope of topping the standings. Whether it is actually desirable to win the phase is debatable anyway, given the strength of opponents City could still be drawn against if they do so.

Before this tie Pellegrini accepted as much, saying: "It's very important [but] it's not the most important thing. The most important thing is to qualify. But I think it's important to be at the top. "

But as they walked off at half-time the manager was probably preparing a dressing down that would have featured the need for his men to wake up quickly against a side that arrived pointless and with a goal difference of minus 10.

A more material matter was the removal of Agüero for Jesús Navas at half-time which, if a precaution – rather than enforced by injury – was a smart move by Pellegrini, with qualification already ensured. Navas, who scored twice in City's 6-0 shellacking of Tottenham Hotspur here on Sunday, made an immediate impact in the quest to give his side the victory.

First he raced down his right and zipped a ball across the face of the Plzen goal that no colleague could stab home. Then he worried Kozacik with an attempt on the angle not unlike the opener against Spurs, though this effort was too high.

Nasri now showed the Spaniard how it was done, finishing from close range for a third of the season. But a mix-up in the area that was reminiscent of the away form that has handed City four defeats in six league outings allowed Stanislav Tecl to score Plzen's second.


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Real Madrid 4-1 Galatasaray

Posted: 27 Nov 2013 02:00 PM PST

Real Madrid made light of the first-half dismissal of Sergio Ramos to secure a 4-1 win at home to Galatasaray that put them through to the last 16 of the Champions League as Group B winners.

Real dominated the early stages on a chilly and blustery night at the Bernabéu before the centre-back Ramos was shown a straight red card in the 26th minute for impeding forward Umut Bulut when he was through on goal.

Gareth Bale put the nine-times European champions, who were missing injured their top scorer, Cristiano Ronaldo, ahead with a superb free-kick 11 minutes later, but Galatasaray levelled within a minute when Didier Drogba sent Bulut clear and he slid the ball past Iker Casillas.

The Turkish champions were unable to make their numerical advantage count and Alvaro Arbeloa netted only his second Champions League goal in 56 appearances six minutes after halftime.

Angel Di María struck in the 63rd minute and Isco struck from close range nine minutes from time to seal a comfortable victory.

"The team was very, very good in the second half," Arbeloa said. "The coach was exactly right in the tactical changes he made and we were able to press them higher up the pitch."

With his side virtually assured of a place in the knockout round, Real's coach Carlo Ancelotti included a number of youngsters in his starting lineup.

Casemiro and Asier Illarramendi were deployed in the holding midfield positions, with Isco playing in a central creative role behind Bale, Di María and Jesé.

Bale should have put Real ahead in the fourth minute when Isco sent him through but the Wales winger placed his low shot narrowly wide with only the goalkeeper Eray Iscan to beat.

After the dismissal of Ramos, Ancelotti immediately withdrew Jesé and brought on Nacho at centre back, and it was the home side who struck first when Bale's swerving free kick deceived Iscan and flew over his head into the net.

Didier Drogba's brilliant pass with the outside of his foot to set up Bulut for the equaliser was one of the highlights of the match, but the visitors were unable to punish 10-man Real further.

Arbeloa was allowed the space to clip home a Marcelo cross before the former Liverpool full-back set up Di María to fire in a low shot from the edge of the area.

Isco followed up his own shot to score Real's fourth.

The defeat for Roberto Mancini's side leaves them in third in the group with one game to play. Real are top on 13 points, Juventus are second on six after their 3-1 win at home to FC Copenhagen, and Galatasaray and the Danish side each have four points.

In the final round of matches in the group on 10 December, Real play at Copenhagen and Galatasaray host Juventus.


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B Leverkusen 0-5 Man Utd

Posted: 27 Nov 2013 01:43 PM PST

The best images from the match

David Moyes was not expected to be "a fish in water" at Manchester United, according to José Mourinho, but he is adapting swimmingly to life in the Champions League. United cruised into the knock-out phase with a game to spare in Group A as they dismantled Bayer Leverkusen, the second-placed team in Germany, with the finest result and performance of the the new manager's era.

Directed superbly by the seemingly ageless Ryan Giggs, and illuminated by the touches of Wayne Rooney and Shinji Kagawa, United routed Sami Hyypia's side with arguably their finest European away performance since the 2011 semi-final win at Schalke. It was their biggest win away in the European Cup since defeating Shamrock Rovers 6-0 in 1957.

First place in the group will be assured with a point at home to Shakhtar Donetsk, but that can wait. Moyes will first want to savour this comprehensive dismantling of a Leverkusen team who boasted a proud unbeaten home record before kick-off, but were ultimately cut to shreds.

Moyes was not exactly blessed with options in central midfield due to Michael Carrick's injury and Marouane Fellaini's suspension but that does not detract from the remarkable feat contained within it. Giggs started two days shy of his 40th birthday, an age when most would struggle to climb the stairs at the refurbished BayArena, with Phil Jones alongside having recovered from a groin injury suffered on England duty last week.

Giggs was part of the United squad that lost here in the 2002 semi-finals, when Klaus Toppmöller's serial runners-up advanced on away goals before succumbing to Zinedine Zidane's sublime volley for Real Madrid at Hampden Park. Another member of United's class of 2002 was also present, Sir Alex Ferguson, albeit enjoying the comforts of the VIP section on this occasion. The former United manager would be dragged back in time by Giggs's commanding performance.

Initially it was the composure and authority of the remarkable 39-year-old that stood out for United, wearing black armbands in memory of Bill Foulkes. Leverkusen's three-man attack converged on the visitors' central defence from the opening whistle and Rio Ferdinand was particularly indebted to Giggs for clearing up several loose touches.

As Giggs began to break forward with an immaculate touch and vision, however, so Moyes' team assumed a surprising degree of control. They were within touching distance of qualification for the knock-out phase with only a third of the game gone.

Giggs created United's first opportunity of the night with a reverse pass inside the penalty area to Nani, who lofted a decent opening high over Bernd Leno's goal. The midfielder was also heavily involved when the visitors took the lead just as Leverkusen were threatening to dominate midway through the first half.

In the space of two minutes Emir Spahic headed over from Gonzalo Castro's corner, Castro shot wastefully high after Jonny Evans allowed a Leverkusen defensive clearance to reach the United area and Stefan Kiessling was denied by the defender's fine interception having beaten Ferdinand easily on the edge of the box.

Seconds later, the flow of the game and the mood of the crowd turned full circle. From the corner that followed Evans' excellent block on Kiessling, United cleared and Kagawa dispossessed Stefan Reinartz in central midfield. Enter Giggs. The Welshman was quickly on the scene to take on possession and release Rooney down the left.

Rooney floated an inviting cross into the centre for Kagawa, who failed to connect, as did the defender Emre Can behind him, enabling Antonio Valencia to steal in unmarked to convert the chance at the back post.

United almost doubled their advantage when Giggs took their next attack to the byline and his cross ultimately deflected into Evans' path. The defender's shot and the follow-up from Jones were both blocked, but the visitors did not have to wait long for the comfort of a second goal. Kagawa and Rooney were again instrumental in the second goal. Reinartz fouled the Japan international on United's left and Rooney swept the resulting free-kick into the heart of the Leverkusen six-yard box. Two defenders rose with Chris Smalling and the ball sailed off the head of Spahic – his eyes closed – into the unguarded half of Leno's goal.

Moyes' men remained comfortable, in stark contrast to the frustration running through the Leverkusen ranks. Hyypia's team were clearly unprepared for United's superiority and their contribution to it. Hardly surprising considering their confidence coming into the game.

Hyypia has admitted to hankering after a return as manager to Liverpool, the club he served with such distinction for a decade, and his work at Leverkusen cannot have gone unnoticed across Europe. He has guided Leverkusen to their best start to a league season, 10 wins from 13 matches, and only the formidable power and wealth of the reigning European champions, Bayern Munich, has kept the Finn's team off the Bundelisga summit. Another indication of United's achievement was Leverkusen's home record coming into the penultimate contest in Group A – eight consecutive wins stretching over three Champions League campaigns.

Giggs's influence continued throughout. His corner produced the third for Evans, when Patrice Evra flicked on the delivery, Leno saved from Rooney at close range and the Northern Ireland defender Evans bundled the ball home. Number four was a delight, Kagawa flicking the ball through to Rooney inside the area, the striker chipping Leverkusen's over-worked keeper and Smalling arriving from an onside position to convert into an empty net.

And the fifth showed Giggs at his most creative. A first-time flick sent Nani clear of the German defence and having rounded Leno, the winger clipped a nonchalant finish over the goal-line. United were simply faultless.


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Manchester City v Viktoria Plzen – live! | Paul Doyle

Posted: 27 Nov 2013 01:38 PM PST

Minute-by-minute report: Can minnows Viktoria Plzen get anything from the City match? Find out with Paul Doyle









Bayer Leverkusen v Manchester United – as it happened | Scott Murray

Posted: 27 Nov 2013 01:37 PM PST

Minute-by-minute report: United qualified for the knockout stage of the Champions League, ripping Leverkusen apart in their best performance so far of the David Moyes reign. Scott Murray was watching









Everton ready to cope without Leighton Baines, says Phil Jagielka

Posted: 27 Nov 2013 01:17 PM PST

• Captain confident team-mates will fill big hole left by defender
• Goodison Park side will face 'a little bit of to-ing and fro-ing'

The Everton captain Phil Jagielka is confident his side will find a way to cope without the injured left-back Leighton Baines. The England defender has been ruled out for up to six weeks with a broken bone in his right foot.

Baines has played every minute of Everton's last 51 Premier League games, so his unavailability for the visit of Stoke on Saturday will bring a degree of unfamiliarity to a defence that has traditionally been a tight unit.

"The left-back slot has always been done blindfolded when the manager has come to write the teamsheet," Jagielka said. "When someone does get injured and you are going to miss him from between one and six weeks, then there is going to be a little bit of to-ing and fro-ing with who is going to play.

"We've been fortunate that we have not had to do that so far so we will look at the positives in that respect and deal with what's to come.

"I'm sure the manager will enjoy the challenge of coming up with the right personnel and formation to play against Stoke to come away with the three points.

"Bryan Oviedo wasn't in the squad [last weekend] but he will obviously be an option. Sylvain Distin could possibly play there, as could Gaz [Gareth Barry] and Seamus Coleman. We just have to wait and see."

Jagielka has personal experience of breaking a bone in his foot two years ago and while he played through it thanks to a series of pain-killing injections he understands Baines' injury is slightly more complicated. "I've spoken to him and he is hobbling around a little bit now," he told evertontv. "I saw at half-time [in Saturday's 3-3 draw against Liverpool] that he was struggling to put his boot on.

"I've broken a little toe myself and it is painful but unfortunately he has broken one in the middle so it's in more of an awkward place. There's a possibility that once he goes for another x-ray after the swelling has gone down that it won't be as bad but, as a rule of thumb, bones take a little while to mend.

"Whether he can mask the pain and get through it while the bone heals, we will have to wait and see. He will be a big miss but it gives opportunities to other players in the squad to stake their claim."


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Two killed after stadium collapse

Posted: 27 Nov 2013 01:07 PM PST

• Sepp Blatter 'deeply saddened' by tragedy
• Fifa says safety of workers is 'top priority'

Brazil's World Cup preparations suffered a deadly setback on Wednesday when a crane collapsed, killing two building workers at the São Paulo stadium that is due to host the opening match.

Corinthians, the Brazilian football club that will move into the new stadium, confirmed the deaths of Fabio Luiz Pereira and Ronaldo Oliveira dos Santos on their website, in a joint statement with the constructors, Odebrecht.

Coming a week before the draw for next year's tournament the fatalities revive concerns about unsafe infrastructure and the slow pace of construction, which have dogged Brazil for more than a year.

Odebrecht said the crane that hoisted the last part of the structure of the metal roof of the stadium collapsed shortly before 1pm on Wednesday during a routine operation to put the final section of the cover over the north stand. The death toll was originally reported as three but later revised down to two.

The 70,000-seat Itaquerão stadium – also known as the Arena Corinthians – will stage six World Cup matches, including the host nation's opening fixture on 12 June 2014, against opponents to be determined at next month's draw, as well as a semi-final. Under a Fifa deadline it should be completed by the end of next month.

Photographs showed substantial damage to a perimeter wall but the joint statement said: "The structure of the grandstand was not compromised."

The Corinthians and Odebrecht statement added: "Teams of firemen are in place. At the moment all efforts are focused to provide full assistance to the families of the victims."

Corinthians also announced the club would respect seven days of mourning for the victims of the tragedy.

The stadium has been evacuated and, according to globo.com, the rescue effort is being led by the fire department with ambulances and a military police helicopter also on hand to help.

One worker, José Mario da Silva, said: "I walked right underneath the crane on the way to lunch. If it hadn't collapsed at lunchtime, a lot more people would have died."

Fifa has given the tournament organisers until 31 December to have all 12 stadiums ready and the collapse at the Itaquerão stadium, which was 94% complete, may throw out that deadline.

Fifa's president, Sepp Blatter, tweeted: "I'm deeply saddened by the tragic death of workers @Corinthians arena today. Our heartfealt [sic] condolences are with the families."

Jérôme Valcke, Fifa's general secretary, tweeted: "Extremely shocked by the news from São Paulo. Our thoughts are with the families of the victims of this accident."

He added: "We are currently awaiting further details from the authorities, who are investigating this tragic accident."

A further statement said: "Fifa and the LOC [local organising committee] have learnt of the death of workers at the Corinthians Arena site in São Paulo with great sadness. We wish to send our heartfelt condolences to the family of the workers who tragically died today.

"The safety of workers is the top priority for Fifa, the LOC, the federal government. We know the safety of all workers has always been paramount for all the construction companies contracted to build the 12 Fifa World Cup stadiums.

"The local authorities will fully investigate the reasons behind such a tragic accident."

Fifa said there would be an update once further details of the accident were released by the Brazilian authorities.

The cause will be investigated but earlier delays may be a contributing factor. Construction was held up for several months this year due to disagreements between Odebrecht and Corinthians, and a dispute with the government over funding. At one stage Valcke warned that the entire World Cup schedule could be changed.

This latest in a long line of delays and fatalities relating to World Cup construction projects is clearly an embarrassment to Brazil, Odebrecht and those responsible for the project.

According to the Folha do São Paulo newspaper, a reporter at the scene was beaten and had pictures of the accident deleted from his cellphone by an Odebrecht engineer and guards overseen by Andres Sánchez, the Corinthians executive responsible for the project.

Brazil's sports minister, Aldo Rebelo, was appointed in 2011 and recently vowed the World Cup stadiums would be completed in time to satisfy Fifa. The ministry's official Twitter account carried initial reaction to Wednesday's events. "The ministry of sport profoundly laments the accident at the Arena Corinthians and expresses solidarity with the families of the victims," it said.

Other football infrastructure projects have been hit by cost overruns and failures to meet targeted completion dates.

In Rio de Janeiro the Maracanã – which will host the final match – was supposed to have been finished at the end of last year after a 1bn reais refurbishment by Odebrecht but reopening was twice delayed.

A judge attempted to hold up its first match – a friendly between Brazil and England – in May on the grounds that the site was unsafe but the game went ahead despite areas with scaffolding, cables and bolts jutting out from concrete.

In Salvador – close to the venue where the World Cup draw will be made on 6 December – a roof partially collapsed at the new Arena Fonte Nova in April because pools of rain proved too heavy for one of the membrane panels.

It is not only the 12 World Cup stadiums that have been affected. In April a worker was killed during building work at the Palmeiras stadium in São Paulo. Before that eight spectators were injured when a guardrail gave way at Arena Grêmio Porto Alegre during a match.

Most worryingly Rio's Engenhão stadium – which will be used for the 2016 Olympics – had to be closed for repairs six years after it opened due to reports showing winds of 63mph could rip off a roof that is already suffering from corrosion.

A World Cup stadium in Manaus has also suffered delays and is struggling to reach Fifa's year-end deadline.

It remains to be seen what impact Wednesday's accident at Itaquerão will have on the construction schedule.

Corinthians, favourite club of the former president Inácio Lula da Silva, were expected to play their first competitive game at the stadium in early March. Once finished, the ground will have a regular capacity of 48,000 with an additional 20,000 temporary seats for the World Cup.


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CSKA Moscow 1-3 Bayern Munich | Champions League Group D match report

Posted: 27 Nov 2013 12:57 PM PST

Bayern Munich eased past CSKA Moscow 3-1 to set a Champions League record with their 10th straight victory in the competition and underline their ambition to become the first team to defend the title successfully.

Bayern, who had already qualified for the knockout stage, struck against the run of play in Moscow with Arjen Robben's superb left-footed shot in the 17th minute. Mario Göetze added another after a fine run before Keisuke Honda cut the deficit with a penalty just after the hour. Thomas Müller responded with a penalty of his own to restore the two-goal lead in the 65th minute.

The Germans, the only team in the competition with a perfect record this season, were missing several key players, including Franck Ribéry, Bastian Schweinsteiger and Mario Mandzukic and on a freezing Moscow evening and amid heavy snowfall, the hosts got off to a stronger start, with Sergei Ignashevich's header cleared off the line by Dante in the fifth minute.

But Bayern, who also set a club record with their sixth straight Champions League away win, stunned the home crowd with their first chance as Robben finished well after a pinpoint through-ball by Toni Kroos and Thomas Müller's cutback for the Dutchman. Kroos delivered another perfect cross minutes later but this time Robben narrowly failed to connect in the box.

CSKA, already out of contention for a top-two finish and desperate to salvage a Europa League spot, had several good chances either side of the break.

Ahmed Musa, who broke clear, managed only a weak shot under pressure on the stroke of half-time. Bayern's goalkeeper, Manuel Neuer, then snatched the ball from under Honda's legs after the Japanese waited too long to shoot.

Honda then missed another golden opportunity when he failed to connect with a simple tap-in before Bayern, on the backfoot again, struck back through Göetze. The midfielder, who was also on target in Saturday's 3-0 league win over his former side Borussia Dortmund, scored with a fine solo effort.

The hosts cut the deficit with a 62nd-minute penalty by Honda after Dante handled but their joy was short-lived, with Bayern restoring the two-goal cushion thanks to Thomas Müller's penalty.

CSKA battled on and hit the bar through Zoran Tosic in the 79th minute but could not avoid their fourth defeat in the group.


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Celtic fans urged to leave politics at home as Uefa acts over banners

Posted: 27 Nov 2013 12:29 PM PST

• Club faces fine over 'political' display by fans against Milan
• 'Football stadia should not be used to promote political views'

Celtic's chief executive, Peter Lawwell, has demanded fans leave their political views at home after Uefa began disciplinary action against the club over an "illicit banner".

The club face a fine over a display that featured images of the Scottish historical figure William Wallace and the IRA hunger striker Bobby Sands, along with a set of lyrics, during the 3-0 defeat by Milan. The banners, which were displayed in and around the section housed by the Green Brigade group of supporters, read "The terrorist or the dreamer, the savage or the brave, depends whose vote you're trying to catch or whose face you're trying to save".

The club vowed to ban any fan involved in a political display as Lawwell insisted they were not welcome at Celtic Park. "Last night was nothing more than clear disrespect for the club and our supporters, who now face another Uefa charge," Lawwell said. "There have now been a number of Uefa charges made against the club during the last three years, relating to behaviour, displays and pyrotechnics - it cannot go on any further.

"Let's be very clear. Following the actions of a small minority, these charges are made against the club. It is the reputation of Celtic, our great club and our great fans which is damaged, while others carry on indulging in such behaviour.

"Our supporters do not want this any more. We are a non-political organisation, a top football club in fantastic shape, aiming to play its part as a major football club on the European stage.

"Regardless of the political views people hold, football stadia, whether it is Celtic Park or anywhere else, should not be used to promote these. This is something which all football authorities, including Uefa, have stressed for some time and something well known by all supporters.

"The club don't want it, our manager and our team don't want it, our supporters don't want it and the football authorities don't want it – it has to stop."


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Manchester City v Viktoria Plzen - in pictures

Posted: 27 Nov 2013 12:18 PM PST

Some cracking images from a goal-fest at the Etihad as City hosted Plzen in the Champions League



Villas-Boas needs result in Tromso

Posted: 27 Nov 2013 12:11 PM PST

• Pressure is on despite 'meaningless' Europa League tie
• Norway's Tromso have problems of their own

The results have been poor, the manager has no long-term future and dark skies frame the scene. These are, indeed, testing times for Tromso, a small Norwegian club from inside the Arctic Circle who will on Thursday evening attempt to add to the problems of Tottenham Hotspur.

The teams meet in what is, on the face of it, a meaningless Europa League group K tie, with Tottenham having already qualified for the last 32 of this marathon competition.

For André Villas-Boas, though, the sub-zero occasion at the 6,000-capacity Alfheim Stadion will be an opportunity to begin the recovery process after Sunday's 6-0 Premier League humbling at Manchester City. The manager's future has come under serious scrutiny and not only because of City, rather the worrying drift in his fortunes since the 3-0 home defeat by West Ham United on 6 October.

The tie against Tromso is hardly the main event of the week. Manchester United visit White Hart Lane on Sunday for a match in which Villas-Boas desperately needs a good result. But there is now a little more interest in events at this Norwegian university town, where pitch darkness currently grips at lunchtime.

It should be a stroll for Spurs on the synthetic pitch. They demonstrated their superiority in the fixture at White Hart Lane in September, when the 3-0 win was marked by comfort, and since then Tromso's soap opera of a season has spiralled. They sacked the manager, Agnar Christensen, in early October, promoting his assistant, Steinar Nilsen, as the interim replacement, but he could not prevent relegation from Norway's Tippeligaen, – the season follows the calendar year and finished on 10 November.

The club is financially stricken, with cost-cutting measures now in place ahead of the next domestic season. The goalkeeper Marcus Sahlman, for example, one of the highest earners on £4,000 a week, has agreed to look for a new employer, while they have sent back loanees, including Fulham's Josh Pritchard.

Tromso might not have made it this far in the Europa League, having lost to Besiktas in the play-off round only to be reinstated when the Turkish club were disqualified. Nilsen knows his managerial role is temporary, with Christensen's long-term successor not yet identified. He will oversee the game against Spurs and the final Europa League tie, at Sheriff Tiraspol, on 12 December.

There will be a second-string feel to Villas-Boas's line-up as he has left behind a host of first-team players. Hugo Lloris, Kyle Walker, Younès Kaboul, Sandro, Paulinho, Aaron Lennon and Jermain Defoe have been rested while Emmanuel Adebayor has suffered a groin strain and he joins Christian Eriksen and Danny Rose as injury casualties.

The Portuguese used this tournament last season – his first at the club – to drill into the players his match-day methods and to build momentum, but this time he may need them to provide evidence for his defence.

In the face of criticism of the team's attacking shortcomings, he has pointed to their goalscoring record in all competitions, which stands at 32 in 20 matches. Tottenham have nine in 12 league fixtures but Villas-Boas can massage the numbers with the Europa League. It is a politician's trick.

Spurs have one of the three 100% records in Europe's second-tier tournament this season but, in truth, there has been little rejoicing at their dispatching of Tromso, Anzhi Makhachkala and Sheriff, who did not carry big reputations before them. Tromso are the least fancied of the bunch and their toils have been summed up by the statistic that says they have managed only four shots on target in their four games. For Tottenham victory would guarantee they advance as group winners, ensuring they play the second leg of their last-32 tie at home. The real business, however, is against United.


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Bayer Leverkusen v Manchester United - in pictures

Posted: 27 Nov 2013 11:59 AM PST

Five goals and some great pics as Sami Hyypia's Leverkusen hosted David Moyes's United in the Champions League



Brazil World Cup: crane collapse aftermath at Itaquerão stadium - video

Posted: 27 Nov 2013 11:44 AM PST

Fatalities have been reported at the Itaquerão stadium in Sao Paulo, after a construction crane collapsed on Wednesday



Swansea face testing time against Valencia

Posted: 27 Nov 2013 11:28 AM PST

• Victory would seal place in Europa League knockout stages
• Manager says run of conceding late goals is over

Michael Laudrup expects Valencia to be a different proposition at the Liberty Stadium from the one on show in their September meeting at the Mestalla. Swansea stunned the Spanish club and claimed one of their most famous results with a 3-0 victory in the opening round of Group A. That win came during a miserable start to the season for Los Che and heaped pressure on their coach, Miroslav Djukic. Valencia's form initially recovered, however, and three consecutive Europa League wins mean they are top of the group.

However, they have lost four of their past six league games in the Primera Division and lie 11th in the table. Laudrup said: "It was special for this club to beat one of the big teams in Spain, people here could tell you thatBut then they came back on track, they won a few games.They have lost a few in the last few weeks, but it will be different to the game there because they already qualified, they don't have to think about this competition before February so it changes things.

"It was a great win because of the reputation of Valencia.

"They have played in the Champions League and reached two finals last 12 years ago.

"We played a great game out there, but we have to remember they played 80 minutes with one man less [after Adil Rami's red card] and in difficult circumstances because of the atmosphere.

"We played well, it was a good game, and it would be nice to repeat. it but it won't be easy.

He added: " I have watched them a lot lately because of this game including the match with Elche at the weekend and I thought they played very well in first half. But they lost the game and this happens in football. It's difficult because sometimes nothing seems to go your way, it's normal and it's happened to us here.

"We are still facing one of Europe's big teams. You can't change a history of a club for a couple of mediocre seasons; it takes many years to write a history of club, although they are now playing in the Europa League after being Champions League finalists, we should not doubt the big history this club has had."

Swansea would themselves have secured qualification from the group had they managed to hold on for victory in either of their two games against the Russian club Kuban Krasnodar.

But conceding stoppage-time equalisers in both fixtures mean Swansea still have work to do.

A win would guarantee their advancement, while a point may prove to be enough depending on the result in Kuban's clash with St Gallen.

Laudrup insists Swansea's recent run of conceding late goals, with a potential Premier League win over Stoke also being relinquished in added time, is firmly behind them after the weekend victory over Fulham.

He said: "All the players were disappointed it happened, it happened in the Premier League too.

"So you don't have to talk about it because sometimes the more you talk about it the more you feel it.

"You could feel it against Fulham at the end, but now we're past it we don't have to talk about it."

Laudrup hopes to have the winger Pablo Hernández back against his former club. Hernández has played only 29 minutes since 1 September because of a thigh injury which flared up again after his initial recovery.

"Pablo is a possibility for this game," Laudrup said. "I don't think he's desperate to play against Valencia, he is desperate just to play. He was out for many weeks, he came back for half an hour and then he was out again."


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Coyle feels Wigan destiny at hand in Europa League

Posted: 27 Nov 2013 11:12 AM PST

• Victory over Zulte Waregem could secure knockout place
• Manchester United's Will Keane looks close to loan deal

Owen Coyle, the Wigan manager, knows the incentive is there and wants his team to earn a place in the knockout stages of the Europa League on Thursday night.

The Latics have acquitted themselves well during their first foray into Europe and sit second in Group D with two matches remaining, heading into a tie with Zulte Waregem at the DW Stadium.

Victory over the Belgian club, with whom they shared a goalless draw in their opening match, would secure qualification for Wigan providing Maribor do not beat top-of-the table Rubin Kazan.

Coyle said: "We're the only second-tier team operating in the Europa League and we have a fantastic chance with two games to go to qualify for the knockout stages, which would be an incredible achievement. We want to do everything in our power to try and achieve that goal.

"We want to stand toe to toe with some good players and good teams. We've done that to this point but we want to take that to the next stage.

"The incentive is there not only for ourselves but also Zulte Waregem, because it could be a Milan, an Ajax, a Napoli – there's going to be some fantastic teams coming out of the Champions League never mind the quality that's already in the Europa League.

"For us to be able to reach that 32 would be a great achievement but we're going to have to go and earn it. This is a very good side, very attack-minded, they've got some terrific players."

Wigan will know before kick-off whether they can book their spot on Thursday because Rubin Kazan meet Maribor in an early match.

The Russians have been the class act of the group but Wigan put up a good fight in both their matches against Rubin, drawing at home and going down to a narrow loss away. In contrast, Rubin recorded heavy wins against both Zulte and Maribor, who Wigan visit in their final group match next month.

Coyle said: "The players will certainly know the outcome of the game between Rubin and Maribor but regardless of what that result is our destiny is in our own hands.

"After four games in the group we were disappointed to lose our unbeaten European record last time out in Kazan – it sounds brilliant that doesn't it. We want to get going again and the players have shown they're very much up for the challenge."

Wigan will also be looking to begin another unbeaten home run after losing at the DW Stadium for the first time this season against Brighton on Saturday.

That left Coyle's side 11th in the Championship table, four points off a play-off place with a game in hand.

Thursday's match will be the Latics' 22nd of the season and the first in a run of 12 matches in less than six weeks.

There looks set to be a new face in the squad for Saturday's match against Derby, with the 20-year-old Manchester United striker Will Keane on the verge of completing a loan move.

Coyle said: "I'd be very surprised if that's not concluded in the next day.

"I spoke again with [United manager] David [Moyes] yesterday just before they were flying off to Germany. We're both happy in terms of how it proceeds from a football perspective."

Coyle confirmed, though, that Aston Villa have recalled the winger Marc Albrighton.

The 24-year-old played four matches for the Latics after joining a month ago and Wigan had hoped to hang on to him.

Coyle said: "If he goes back to Aston Villa and plays in the first team then great; if he's left kicking his heels then I think he'll be as frustrated as the rest of us because he certainly made an impact at Wigan Athletic and would have continued to do so."

Albrighton would have been ineligible for Thursday's game. Coyle expects to make four or five changes to freshen the side up but Lee Nicholls will keep his place in goal because Scott Carson is still recovering from an ankle problem.


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The search for 2013's top celebrity memoir

Posted: 27 Nov 2013 10:50 AM PST

With Christmas approaching, it's time to sort out the winners and losers in the battle for the year's best celeb autobiography. Will it be David Jason or Amanda Holden? Or could Mo Farah clinch the top slot?

Like "modernised" Conservatism, digital cameras and rock music made by people under 50, the Christmas celebrity memoir may be breathing its last. In 2012, a year that brought us books by such titans as Cheryl Cole, David Walliams and Tulisa Contostavlos, sales were 45% down on their 2008 peak. You might, then, have expected publishers to drop the ghost-writers and stop making huge payments to sportspeople, comedians and Britain's Got Talent judges, and stick with cookbooks. But no: 2013 has brought a mind-boggling crop of memoirs – all of which are being offered to the public as if they represent the acme of Christmas wonderment.

My job is to spend 10 days immersed in the "best of the batch", carefully taking notes, and chewing my knuckles, while an array of famous authors are brutally played off against one another to find a winner. Needless to say, this remains a vital public service, because the celeb book's decline is obviously relative and plenty of people are still buying them. In large quantities, too: at the time of writing, David Jason's My Life had already sold 134,895 copies. A lot of people, then, will be getting it for Christmas.

Read on. This may prove to be useful …

ROUND 1
Mary Berry, Recipe For Life v Mo Farah, Twin Ambitions

The opening clash is between an iconic cake-maker raised in the upscale environs of Bath Spa, and the distance runner and creator of the enduring(ish) Mobot, who spent a lot of time as a child in the tiny African state of Djibouti.

What is the latter like? You can only wonder. "Life wasn't easy in Djibouti," says Mo, "but it wasn't desperately hard, either." Brings the images flooding into your head, doesn't it? Or what about this: "Everyone rolled up their sleeves and got on with it … we learned that you didn't get anywhere without putting in the work."

Ground down by a life that was not easy but not too hard either and always having to roll their sleeves up, the family eventually left for Europe, leaving behind Mo's twin brother Hassan (from whom his book takes its title, though Mo's bro barely figures in it), a rum turn that is never satisfactorily explained. Anyway, Mo's first glimpse of London is described in truly poetic terms: "The buildings were bigger. The cars were bigger." And after he makes big strides as an athlete, he arrives in the US. "Cars, buildings, food, portions: they were all double the size in America," he observes.

Top guy and all that, and hats off for simply ignoring the "Plastic Brit" rubbish, but compared to the thrill of watching him take those medals, reading his book is like falling asleep in a cold bath.

Mary Berry's has similar moments of complete tedium, but in some ways, Recipe For Life is the story of one woman valiantly putting up with patriarchy and making the most of things via mixing bowls and whisks. Her dad, a one-time mayor of Bath, is male chauvinism incarnate, as proved by his response to her future husband's request that he grant them permission to marry. "She's very difficult," said Pa Berry. "You do realise what you're taking on? And she may never have children." They got hitched, anyway, though even now, it doesn't seem like anyone in her house has read any Germaine Greer. "Cashmere polo necks are one of my wardrobe staples," she says on page 313, "not only because I get so chilly, but because my husband Paul says I've got scraggy around the neck, which is quite right."

Berry's ghostwriter, one Catherine Woods, does a creditable job of evoking the tweedy stoicism of a woman who is undeniably all right. There are also a number of recipes, including one for something called iced lemon flummery, which involves cream caster sugar, milk and more cream, and is surely just the kind of thing we should all be eating these days. This alone is enough to send her flying past Mo Farah.
Winner: Mary Berry

David Jason, My Life v Jennifer Saunders, Bonkers

The autobiography of Russian revolutionary Leon Trotsky is called My Life, but that's where the similarities between him and David Jason unfortunately end. The latter's 392-page memoir is built on the flimsiest of foundations. Worse, Only Fools And Horses only enters the story three-quarters of the way through, and can't redeem an exhausting book that gets waylaid in the showbiz undergrowth.

"At the age of eight or nine," he says at one point, "I did become the owner of a pair of perfectly fitting wellington boots." Actors, eh? Give them a ghostwriter (Giles Smith, who memorably worked on Keith Richards' Life, is credited in Jason's acknowledgements – business is obviously slow), and they'll not only fixate on surreal minutiae, but also do that thing thesps always do, when they endlessly mention long-forgotten theatre productions. This happens a lot: if you have any appetite for limp anecdotes about plays called things such as Trousers Overboard! at Bromley Rep, you'll love it.

Pre-Del Boy, Jason says he became known for "introducing additional physicality into farces". It got him a long way, but also into the odd scrape. Witness what transpires on page 119, when one Paul Bacon, Jason's co-star in a theatrical production of The Rivals, invited him round for "supper", and then "put his arms around me and started to kiss me". The man who would go on to be the voice of Danger Mouse obviously didn't want any additional physicality introduced into his own farce – though his friendship with Bacon endured, and the would-be seducer eventually went on to play a renowned dog. "He found household-name fame at a remove," Jason reveals, "as the voice of Hector in the hugely popular children's glove-puppet show Hector's House." Woof woof!

Though the title of her own memoir seems celestially crap ("Bonkers" – I mean, really), Jennifer Saunders fares a bit better. Some of the stuff about her and Dawn French does not exactly suggest deep insight ("The crucial element in our double act … has been our friendship"). She also digresses a bit too much. But the chapter about her breast cancer is done with affecting candour, the stuff concerning Ab Fab is borderline unputdownable, and by page 50, I realise I am actually quite enjoying myself.

One big coup de grace arrives on page 143, when she is out with Roseanne Barr in LA, and meets Dolly Parton. "She opened her jacket. And there they were – not just her tits but her glorious tattoos," Saunders recalls. "They were angels and flowers, shaded in pink and blue pastels. I was gobsmacked. Her words, 'This will go no further, right?' were fully adhered to. Until I got back to the hotel. I had to tell someone, so I just about told everyone. I didn't want to wake up the next morning and doubt my own story. I had seen Dolly Parton's tits."

This is actually only a footnote. But in sporting terms, it suggests an inspired goal scored from the halfway line, if not two.
Winner: Jennifer Saunders

Alex Ferguson, My Autobiography v Amanda Holden, No Holding Back

By the time I get to these two, one thing has started to bother me. What has happened to the ditzy, rushed, slightly confused authorial voice that usually defines celeb autobiographies? Witness 2011's classic by James Corden, and a choice sentence indeed: "The publisher has just told me that I'm already 5,000 words over the required amount, which I can't quite believe."

Amanda Holden's effort – rubbish title, lousy typeface – superficially suggests that she might be making a last stand for that way of doing it, but no: even she seems to be aware that deconstructing your own book as you write it isn't the greatest of ideas. The chapter about the still-birth of her son is inevitably moving and occasionally all but unbearable. Her memories of glimpsing the heights of showbiz via her first husband, Les Dennis, have a certain something ("During one show, Les farted next to Roy Walker"). But God, when their marriage comes to grief, it all pours forth, to no one's great benefit.

Is there anyone out there who wants to know what it's like arguing all the time with the former host of Family Fortunes and one-time comedy partner of the much-missed Dustin Gee? If so, sneak into WH Smiths and immerse yourself in pages 90-140 (approximately). In 2002, she was filming Cutting It in Manchester; he was back at home in Norfolk. "Our enforced separation wasn't helping Les and I get our marriage back on track," she writes, "and when he was invited to take part in Celebrity Big Brother I have to admit that I didn't discourage him." So, off he went – into that killer series that also starred Goldie and Anne Diamond, and featured Dennis talking to chickens. "I think he originally did it to be funny," says Holden, "but it apparently just came across as mental."

Seeing Alex Ferguson among 2013's celeb biographies is a strange thing. The no-nonsense, anti-showbiz Alex, whose elegantly damning chapter about David Beckham ("I was starting to despair of him … I could see him being swallowed up by the media or publicity agents") confirms how much he loathes the modern celeb whirl and its inevitable intersection with his sport.

Most of the time, he wants to be seen as a modern Yoda, some of whose Jedi-esque wisdom is positively gnostic. "The balls are always in the air," he muses. "You have a range of targets and compensate from the list when one gets away." At one point, he claims that "momentum has its own logic". There's more: some people, he says right at the end, are "happy to stay at home or watch the birds and the ducks float by in the park. And some want to go to the moon."

From time to time, he seems to have got there himself, metaphorically speaking, as proved on page 125, where he recalls an altercation with the decidedly non-cosmic Roy Keane.

"You've changed," says Keane.

"Roy," says Ferguson, "I will have changed, because today is not yesterday."

That's right! Change I will have, because yesterday today not is! The force is strong in this one, and he glides through to the semis.
Winner: Alex Ferguson

Ann Widdecombe, Strictly Ann v John Bishop, How Did All This Happen?

All political careers end in failure, blah blah. But perhaps not failure as soul-chewingly awful as this. In late 2012, Ann Widdecombe was in panto in High Wycombe alongside Craig Revel Horwood from Strictly (in drag, natch) and a star turn winningly described by her towards the end of her memoir: "Muddles was the ventriloquist Steve Hewlett, whose dummy is Pongo the Skunk. Why they are not on television I don't know." How you get from the front rank of politics to that point is an interesting question.

Ooh, she is awful, and I don't like her. Her story careens from her nomadic childhood – her dad was in the navy – through Birmingham and Oxford Universities (pater paid for the latter), and on to life at the fag-end of 18 years of Tory government, when the woman later cast as "Widdy in Waiting" launched a crusade to take Britain back to 1962, or thereabouts. As with most things, she is quite upfront about this. Not only does she think men are "sharper, wittier and more entertaining" than women, but she says she prefers "what we had fifty years ago". This is because she lives in her own private dystopia, which bears no resemblance to, you know, real life. "Take out a library book," she says at one point, "and you will be given a form asking for your sexual preferences and racial origins." No you won't, you silly old moo.

Arena-filling Merseyside/Cheshire borders comedian John Bishop, by comparison, seems to be a nice enough human being. Three years ago, my annual celeb-books experience was less than enlivened by the beatifically bad memoir written by Michael McIntyre. I try to know as little as I can about modern standup, but it seems to me that Bishop essentially deals in the same kind of low-grade, culture-for-the-cultureless observational comedy, while avoiding MM's crucifying bumptiousness. This is to his eternal credit, but it also means his memoir has almost nothing on which to actually comment.

"For me, a new school was always an opportunity to make friends and have fun," he writes. Really? No! "When I was 10, we left Winsford and moved back to a council estate in Runcorn." Did you? Steady on.

It is nice that he got back with his estranged wife when she saw one of his early gigs and glimpsed the man he had once been (or something). It is creditable that he rode a bike from Australia to Liverpool to raise money for the NSPCC. I don't know: I feel a bit evil taking such a self-evidently nice fella to task, but his book is just too dull. Mind you, this opinion may not be as controversial as I think, as evidenced by an episode replayed on page 300. Towards Christmas, he is idly standing by a display of his own DVDs in HMV, when is compelled to reach for one, and topped by a concerned bystander. "I wouldn't buy that," says the man. "He's shite."
Winner: John Bishop, simply for not being Ann Widdecombe

SEMI FINALS
Mary Berry v Jennifer Saunders

So it is that the draw falls along gender lines. And, come to think of it, class lines, too – because both Berry and Saunders' "mems" (a Saunders term) are smattered with stuff that evokes the pine-scented milieu of the English middle classes. Before anyone starts: yes, I'm middle-class too. But this has to be settled somehow. So it occurs to me that such a nail-biting clash is best decided by establishing who is guilty of the most uber-bourgeois paragraph, a crime punishable with defeat.

Saunders has a stab on p214 of Bonkers when she explains why she, Ade "Viv from the Young Ones" Edmonson and their daughters relocated to the West Country. "We moved there permanently because we felt that the girls – Ella, in particular – needed the freedom that Devon would provide," she says. "She had expressed the desire to run on the moor and ride ponies. We didn't realise quite how keen the others would be. We were anxious, particularly about Beattie, who was very happy in Richmond."

On the "What's the bedroom tax?" scale, this scores a seven. But then Mary Berry steps in. "By this time," runs page 216 of her book, "all of our children had gone away to school. Thomas was a real daredevil, far happier climbing trees than he was sitting in a classroom, so when he was 13, we sent him to Gordonstoun in Scotland … The school, which counts Prince Charles amongst its distinguished alumni has its own fire brigade …"

Snip! That's a 10, and she's OUT.
Winner: Jennifer Saunders

Alex Ferguson v John Bishop

Bishop has essentially scraped through thanks to the luck of the draw, and will inevitably be crushed. There are similar reference points in his and Ferguson's books – Bishop, after all, once played non-league football – but this face-off is a bit like Wilmslow Albion being forced to play Juventus. Ferguson's book is the tale of his climactic run with Manchester United, whereas Bishop's boils down to ramblesome evocation of a mid-life crisis and his successful exit from it. Besides, he also cannot compete with the parts of Ferguson's meisterwerk that suggest a self-help book: as with his sage advice for anyone – me, for example – who sometimes wakes up at 5am and tries hard to get back to sleep. "You've had your sleep. That's why you wake up," says Fergie-Yoda. Brilliant! He wins, easy.
Winner: Alex Ferguson

THE FINAL
Jennifer Saunders v Alex Ferguson

What an odd pairing. In fairness, comparing these two is like trying to establish the relative merits of, say, paint and porridge, but it has to be done. Two trips to the cafe and some iced lemon flummery later, and it all becomes clear. Yes, Ferguson's stuff about Beckham, Rooney, Van Nistelrooy et al is insightful and often blunt. It helps that there are walk-on parts for Tony Blair, and even a mention of P Diddy. But nothing really compares to the two soaraway highlights of Bonkers.

They are too lengthy to reproduce here, but Saunders' conversations – particularly via fax – with her Ab Fab co-star Joanna Lumley are a hoot. She knows this, too: "Some of my happiest times have been sitting in the back of a car with Joanna," she says, "having conversations in character that just make us wee." And me, nearly.

In any case, her supremacy is clinched by the tale of her and Ruby Wax being dragged around India by Goldie Hawn circa 1997 as they are pressured to come up with a script for a film Hawn envisages as being about a fiftysomething woman who – and these are Saunders' words, not Hawn's - "goes to India, looks gorgeous and finds herself".


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Celtic's European exit should not eclipse Neil Lennon's profitable reign | Ewan Murray

Posted: 27 Nov 2013 08:53 AM PST

The Scottish club's powerbrokers will be disappointed by the end of another Champions League campaign but the manager has not been helped by a lack of recruitment

Even in the immediate aftermath of a painful defeat, it would be wholly unwise for a manager to offer direct criticism to his board of directors. Dangerous to his job security, in fact.

Neil Lennon was clearly aware of that much upon Celtic being bundled out of Europe by Milan on Tuesday. The Northern Irishman was philosophical when assessing Celtic's troubles in Group H, while offering the occasional intriguing insight, rather than be in any way confrontational.

Still, should Celtic's power brokers ever take exception to a Lennon analysis, they would be wise to glance at recent history. Directors always look better against the backdrop of a winning team. This term, as Celtic have toiled in the Champions League, it is reasonable to ask why.

When the board hold balance sheets aloft it should be remembered that Lennon's role in such figures – both by way of successive Champions League participation and player sales after development – has been crucial. To the tune of tens of millions, to be precise. And, make no mistake, those in charge of Celtic are not slow in shouting from the rooftops. That much was illustrated by the chairman, Ian Bankier, at the recent annual meeting. He said: "The momentum we've built up in the last three to five years is formidable. With luck on our side and success on the field, we will be nothing short of unstoppable."

By quarter to 10 on Tuesday, with not even Europa League football secured into the new year, that "unstoppable" comment seemed as laughable as it was badly timed.

Should Lennon feel frustration after this season's woe, as he would be fully entitled to, it would also be wise of his superiors to take heed. The manager has not been handed a particularly adequate set of tools, a matter that was apparent even at the Champions League's qualifying stage. Lennon touched only briefly on the topic of recruitment after Milan's 3-0 win in Glasgow. His point was a straightforward one; that it will have to improve if Celtic are to continue to compete in the Champions League.

The appearance of Milan, a side of vastly superior quality to Celtic, was not required for that to be known. Celtic signed two strikers in the summer, Amido Baldé and Teemu Pukki, who were not deemed worthy of stepping from the substitutes' bench. Pukki, a Finland international, has proved to be a particular disappointment.

Other than Gary Hooper, who was targeted specifically by Lennon within weeks of taking office, Celtic have struggled to secure strong centre forwards. In the context of Celtic's history, that is an anomaly. It is also obvious week on week in domestic football, where there is enough leeway for Celtic to routinely get away with it.

Other transfer arrivals have looked long-term projects, which carries an obvious danger when facing off against Europe's top teams. Milan, who arrived in Glasgow as a club in crisis, left having swatted aside a team who missed glaring chances and defended in woeful fashion. Even when Celtic were lauded after September's loss in San Siro, it should have been recognised that they totally lacked conviction in front of goal.

The Celtic board would bridle at any suggestion they are down-sizing and point to the Scottish environment as restrictive, but it is difficult to look at Lennon's team in comparison with a year ago and claim any progress has been made. Celtic's one defensive substitute for Milan's visit was a 20-year-old, who has started only two first-team games. In a business sense, some argue it would be folly for Celtic to speculate more than is already the case. Football is a volatile environment, after all, and Celtic have known dark times in the past. There can also be no automatic guarantee that signing certain players means success.

Yet it would offer a better chance and, pertinently, show supporters who stump up cash in their tens of thousands that their club has genuine aspirations to improve. When Celtic reached the Champions League knockout phase last season, there was no reason whatsoever to regard that as a one-off opportunity. With finances strong and the domestic scene taken care of until such time as Rangers sort themselves out, Celtic had a genuine opportunity to re-establish themselves as a regular European force. Instead, their squad has regressed.

Recruitment aside, Celtic should surely look to produce the best developing talent in Scotland. Instead, only James Forrest has emerged from the club's youth set-up in recent times to command a regular first-team place. Were the first team filled with superb, expensive imports, that would at least be understandable.

As top clubs in England and overseas circle around Ryan Gauld at Dundee United, it is legitimate to ask why Celtic did not make genuine moves to secure an outstanding prospect who has been known on the Scottish scene for years. Celtic can hardly lay claim to be producing better themselves.

What must also be recognised is that players Lennon has been left with and relies upon have let him down. Georgios Samaras and Kris Commons have been dismal in the group stage of the Champions League. Both have been championed by Lennon for next to no return in Group H. Scott Brown did his bit to undermine the entire campaign with a petulant kick on Neymar which landed him a three-match suspension. With so little resource elsewhere, Lennon could ill afford these problems.

A year ago, he was being touted as hot managerial property as Celtic rose to European prominence. He had shown a clear aptitude for developing the likes of Hooper, Victor Wanyama and Fraser Forster, while placing a winning team on the pitch. Forster, it seems inevitable, played his last home Champions League game for Celtic on Tuesday.

Like the players he works with, Lennon has ambition. Given how much he has contributed to Celtic, not least financially, it would be sad if that needs to be realised elsewhere.


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The Fiver | The right to bare arms

Posted: 27 Nov 2013 08:47 AM PST

Click here to have the Fiver sent to your inbox every weekday at 5pm, or if your usual copy has stopped arriving

SLEEVE DESIGN

Opposition fans and every single anti-Arsenal hack have been carrying acorns, cutting their hair during storms and searching fields for four-leaf clovers and finally their hard work has paid off. A bit later than expected the Annual Arsenal Crisis has arrived: sleevegate. Or as some of you wags that are smarter, funnier and better looking than the Fiver have dubbed it, Mathieu Flamini's right to bare arms.

In case you haven't heard, let your friendly, neighbourhood tea-timely email fill in the blanks. Arsenal is a club of traditions. Like the tradition of moving from south London to north London. Or like the tradition of moving from Highbury to the Emirates. Or like the tradition of saying that they will not be selling their best players to their rivals. Or like the tradition that sees them banging on about their "socialist" wage structure right before they decide to pay Mesut Özil's weekly salary. Or like the tradition of playing pretty-boy football, winning nothing and yet moralising to the rest about how effing and jeffing great your club is. Yes, Arsenal is a club of traditions. But there is one tradition that is more sacred to club than all those other traditions that they cherish more than life itself: the captain must decide what length of sleeves the players wear for each match. That is crucial. Without that the club and the team are nothing.

But naughty, naughty Flamini likes nothing more than to break a rule or two and over the last few games he has decided to take a scissors to this ritual as well as to the long sleeves his captain has chosen to wear – "I've been playing at the top level for 10 years. I like to wear short sleeves, that's what I like to do," he rebelled, before sweeping his hair back, slinging on his heavy boots and hopping on the back of his custom-made chopper, a women dressed in a black leather jacket with three Guns N' Roses badges sown into the lapels and a skull with sharp-toothed serpents coming out of the eye sockets etched on to the back in rabbit blood behind him.

Arsène Wenger is none too happy with this. The Flamini thing that is, not the jacket. He has never seen the jacket. He wants down with this sort of thing. Again, the Flamini thing, not the jacket. After Arsenal walked away with a win over Marseille that was as comfortable as a pair of house slippers pilfered from a certain five-star hotel in the centre of Brussels, the Arsenal manager erupted: "I do not like that and he will not do that again. I was surprised he did that; we don't want that."

By venting his spleen in public, Wenger risks upsetting Flamini and the happiness of a squad that is top of the Premier League. But then again, perhaps that's part of his grand plan: after all throwing away the title is very much a part of Arsenal's tradition.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I don't know how I play like that. My legs just go." – Eight-year-old Claudio "Snow Messi" Nancufil on how he does it. Barcelona – who don't approve of the way some clubs "fish for kids" – have fished for him.

FIVER LETTERS

"How refreshing that Arsenal have become so good at footyball that they have now shifted their focus to haberdashery. In a month when Mr Wenger has signed Lanvin to deck the players out in a new club suit and last night slapped Mathieu Flamini's over-exposed forearm for his fashion faux-pas, should we now expect Nicklas Bendtner to become the rugged face of the club's evening swimwear line? Pushing an open door surely …" Seamus Kennedy.

"While it was very thoughtful of the Fiver editors to flag up the fact that 'Kevin Poole, 50' was not a gag, would it not be more helpful if they could in future flag up those that are? Perhaps a little 'Boom boom' in the style of Basil Brush?" – Jonathan Foulkes.

"Good to see fine ex-Nasty Leeds player Paul Reaney adding to his impressive list of career achievements by winning letter o' the day yesterday. I presume Football Manager 2014 is now proudly displayed beside his League, FA Cup & Fairs Cup medals" - Ray Griffin.

"Regarding the recent rash of letters regarding the economic impact of Fiver readership, am I the only reader to recall a near identical riff from the late 1990s that went through a phase of increasingly spurious/pedantic claims in the letters section culminating in a letter from a certain Mr D Vader bemoaning the 'economic impact' of the destruction of his Death Star by his idiot son while otherwise engaged reading the Fiver. Given recent claims of Fiver 'hoarding' I suspect some of the 1,057 could even lay their hands on said editions. Fiver gold indeed" – Bill Appleby.

• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our letter o'the day is: Seamus Kennedy, who wins a copy of Football Manager 2014, courtesy of the very kind people at Football Manager Towers. We've got more copies to give away, so if you haven't been lucky thus far, keep trying.

JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES

We keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service "for interesting people" in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still aren't having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.

BITS AND BOBS

Cuddly Qatar's tough run of PR stories has forced a rethink over French player Zahir Belounis - trapped there without pay for two years, but now free to go.

Fifa have snubbed Ukraine's optimistic appeal against their fine and stadium ban for fans racially abusing their own player and making Nazi salutes.

Wolves have denied that Leigh Griffith's goal celebration T-shirt message "RIP Brian" was a tribute to dead dog Brian Griffin. "It's a family member of Leigh's who passed away," they tweeted. "Nothing to do with Family Guy."

Arsenal's decision to open talks about upping in-form Per Mertesacker's £80,000-a-week have left Per Mertesacker feeling pleased with the situation. "I am pleased with the situation," he confirmed, in case you didn't believe The Fiver. "I think it's a little reward."

Wigan plan to unveil Manchester United's Will Keane as their next guest star after on-loan Marc Albrighton became plain old Villa's Marc Albrighton again.

And Borussia Dortmund's Sven Bender played on against Napoli despite serious spurting nose-knack. "We had to change his bloodied shirt several times," said Jürgen Klopp. "The last one we got from the club shop."

STILL WANT MORE?

AVB is on the edge at Spurs already – but his old fans at Porto still haven't come to terms with losing him, says Andy Brassell.

Raphael Honigstein's column about Bayern Munich's mole problem confused Big Paper's picture editor.

"I scored one goal after another. I was amazing. I dominated on the pitch." It could only be an extract from His autobiography in Big Website's William Hill Sports Book of the Year shortlist roundup.

The Rumour Mill wants your honest opinion about something.

Plus: fashion news! Marseille coach Elie Baup's tracksuit left the fashion department reeling. The Fiver thinks it's chic. Poor Fiver.

Oh, and if it's your thing, you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.

SIGN UP TO THE FIVER

Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up.

FIRE IN THE HOLE


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Arsene Wenger crowned public language champion

Posted: 27 Nov 2013 08:16 AM PST

Arsenal football club manager receives public accolade for his longstanding commitment to languages

The public has voted Arsene Wenger, Arsenal football club's manager, as their 2013 language champion. Wenger's longstanding commitment to the languages, and his work championing language learning for children through sport, was recognised at an awards ceremony on Wednesday 27 November held in central London.

"Being voted Britain's first ever public language champion is an incredible honour," Arsene Wenger said. "I am very proud that Arsenal and I can help raise the profile of language learning in schools."

Wenger is the first recipient of the Guardian's language award, announced today alongside the British Academy's 2013 schools language awards winners. The public language champion award is part of the British Academy and Guardian's language learning series and campaign to start a national debate on language learning.

Wendy Berliner, head of professional networks at The Guardian, said: "This award is a key part of a two-year commitment with the British Academy to raising public dialogue over language learning. There were five very worthy people in our short list, which was opened to a public vote, and it is wonderful to see the work of the multilingual Arsene Wenger and the Arsenal Double Club [its innovative language-teaching programme] recognised in this way."

Throughout Wenger's illustrious career at the helm of Arsenal – he started as manager in 1996 – languages have played a crucial role. Wenger is fluent in English, French and German and learned Japanese while coaching Nagoya Grampus Eight in Japan.

In 1998, following the successful league and cup double-winning campaign led by Wenger, Arsenal set up its Double Club to fuse education and football for young people, with a particular focus on languages.

Wenger added: "I hope that this award and Arsenal's Double Club can show that learning a new language does not always have to be a challenge and sport can help make it enjoyable learning."


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Frank de Boer: Ajax didn't give Barcelona the chance to play - video

Posted: 27 Nov 2013 07:43 AM PST

Ajax manager Frank de Boer speaks after his side's shock 2-1 victory against Barcelona. Ajax won despite going down to 10 men in the second half









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